Today was a bit of a turning point for me.  I was to have my photo taken.  I was nervous.  We were to be a bit dressy and all that… and it didn’t really turn out well.  I went to try on what I wore to the Christmas party - black pants and a nice turquoise top.   Something that would bring out the colour of my eyes… I thought.

Well…

I put the turquoise top on first and well… the sleeves didn’t fit.  They were tight, and I felt like a tightly packed sausage.  So off it went, after a bit of a struggle to get it off my arms.  Then I went for the old fall back - my “fat” shirt - which was pretty darn nice and I just hung onto it because it was so nice.  I thought for sure I’d be A-OK in it and I’d wear it to get the photo taken… it wasn’t blue… but it was a nice dark red.

This is I just felt like crying.

My “fat” shirt didn’t fit.  The damn arms.  Too tight.  The body part was ok… it would have passed - but the arms.  It just didn’t work.  So I couldn’t wear it.

Now what would I do?  I don’t have a super huge waredrobe of “dressy” clothes - I figured I’d hold off buying clothes until I got thinner… and well that hasn’t happened - yet.  So I tried on my dress pants that I wore to the Christmas party.

Verge. Of. Tears.

They didn’t fit either.  My thighs looked a bit bumpy and my hips looked dreadful.  I’m not just saying that - the pants were just too small.

So I ended up wearing a dressy t-shirt and jeans.  Yes, I have only one pair of jeans at the moment and it totally sucks.

If there was ever a moment of WTF, it was that moment.  I felt like shit.  I also have to say it was a total motivator for me too.  In my lowest moment - I knew I have to change.  I have to start looking after myself again.  I need to be happy.   I need to feel powerful.  I just need to be me.   So while I’m sitting here - I dont’ feel any of these things… I just want to be able to put on a nice pair of pants and a cute top and feel good about it - to feel good about me.

Right now I feel both motivated to get moving again - and on the other side I just want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I’ve been doing my Wii training pretty much everyday - but there just isn’t the cardio.  Not yet anyway.  So tomorrow I start riding my stationary bike.  If the weather’s nice and I have time, I’ll see about riding my other bike.  Right now I’m feeling like I just have to do it.  So I’m taking this feeling and running with it - in the right direction!

My eating has been a bit hap-hazzard.  I’ve not be writing any of it down, although this morning I stepped on the scale to see 232.0  which made my day.  I’m going to start writing again and stick to my points.  I know I’m eating too much bread and not enough fruit and veggies - which I hope to change when I go get groceries this weekend.

Wow… so much to do!  Fingers crossed!!

Weight: 233 pounds
Goal: 160 pounds

This morning I weighed in, figuring that Monday would be a good day to start things off with a bang… or even a cough and sputter.  I have to say that I was not shocked to see that number, in fact I’m ok with it.  I was 235.6 a week ago - so this can be seen as the start of something good.

I’m tired of being fat.

I’m hoping to clock up the willpower again and do it.  I know I can!

I did find today really hard.  I’m such a carbohydrate woman its unreal.  I also noticed when I ate today that I eat when I’m stressing out a bit at work.  I’m looking to graze.  So I’m working on that - giving myself healthier options when I’m feeling stressed and want to eat.  Eventually I want to cut this out completely… but I’m going to do it slow and easy and then I don’t freak out and binge.

What I ate today:

Breakfast
2 packages oatmeal (one maple/spice and one regular)
1 granola bar - Strawberry w/yogurt
1 cup coffee

Snack
1 Activa yogurt
1 cup fruit (grapes and blueberries)
1 cup tea

Lunch
4 slices whole wheat bread
2 slices cheese
2 tbsp light mayo
2 slices ham
2 Weight Watchers mint chocolates

Snack
3 Weight Watchers chocolates
1 granola bar
1 light hot chocolate

Dinner
2 cups “Shipwreck Dinner” - a la Kraft Canada website
1/2 cup coleslaw salad
1 diet coke
1 popcycle

Exercise
25 minutes Wii
- Exercise program: I’m ranked at 54 (for my exercise age)
- Tennis (Best of 5)
- Bowling
- Baseball (2 games - 3 innings)

Now looking at that you’ll think I’m out of my head for putting the Wii up for my exercise - but I swear their sport disk gets my heart pounding and I’m sweating up a storm.  I’m hoping to get a little saved up so I can get the Wii fit.  I’m not sure when that will happen but this is pretty good so far.  I started the day before yesterday on the fitness training - and I was at 58… so down 4 in a couple of days.

I’m totally out of shape, but I’m working on it slowly.  My legs are not my friends currently.  I get really bad calf pain when I walk and they feel rock hard when I get those damn cramps.  So rather than suffer through that - I think its because I’m so damn fat - I’m going to do my cardio on my elliptical bike.  I’m not ready for the gym.  I can’t afford the gym currently and I’m cheap. :)  So I’m going to make do with what I’ve got.  I’ve even got a couple of hand weights that I can start using and just try doing some situps/pushups - the old fashioned way.

I’m going to do this, and I know I have to start encorporating more exercise into the whole scheme of things if I’m going to succeed.

… and I need to up my water.

… take my vitamins.

I know I can do this!  I am a rockstar.

In case you’ve not noticed I’ve been far from good logging in here and telling you how its going.  Seriously - I don’t think I have the motivation.  It’s not that I don’t want to be skinny, it’s just sitting there on top of me like a big freakin’ weight.  I dream of the day when I don’t have to be constantly thinking about what I’m eating, how many points is that, and will it end up on my hips.

I think about it all the time.

It’s making me so freakin’ tired!

I don’t know why I’m bothering.  Seriously.   In the last little blurb I wrote about how I’d lost only .6 pounds in a MONTH.  How sad is that.  Other people I’m doing this with have lost around 10.  I’m so sad and mad with myself.  I can’t help but lose the motivation (just a tad).  I’m not sure what I was thinking - I was eating too much.  Obviously.  Not exercising… well, actually I’ve been exercising more now that I have in a super long time.  It feels good - and I’m still stuffing my face.

I’m so mad at myself it’s out of this world how shitty I feel right at this moment.

I’ve skipped Weight Watchers 2 weeks in a row now - why?  Because I ate too much and I now weigh even more.  I don’t want to go to those meeting and see people who started around the same time I did this year - kicking major ass and here I am sitting with more pounds than I know what to do with.

Man, I’m just in a very shitty mood.

I know I’ve got to pick myself up and out of this rut I’ve got myself into.  I just think at this moment in time I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m burnt out.  I’ve got nothing to show for the years I’ve put into this program.  I’m now almost just as fat as when I started in January 2006.  I can’t help but feel like I’ve let myself down.  The food has won.  Nothing makes me sadder.

But I’ve still got weekly coupons left.  So I’m going to go back on Tuesday… going to give it yet another freakin’ try.

Sorry I’m in such a shitty mood.  Don’t mean to bring you down at all - it’s just not been going my way lately.