Today was a bit of a turning point for me.  I was to have my photo taken.  I was nervous.  We were to be a bit dressy and all that… and it didn’t really turn out well.  I went to try on what I wore to the Christmas party - black pants and a nice turquoise top.   Something that would bring out the colour of my eyes… I thought.

Well…

I put the turquoise top on first and well… the sleeves didn’t fit.  They were tight, and I felt like a tightly packed sausage.  So off it went, after a bit of a struggle to get it off my arms.  Then I went for the old fall back - my “fat” shirt - which was pretty darn nice and I just hung onto it because it was so nice.  I thought for sure I’d be A-OK in it and I’d wear it to get the photo taken… it wasn’t blue… but it was a nice dark red.

This is I just felt like crying.

My “fat” shirt didn’t fit.  The damn arms.  Too tight.  The body part was ok… it would have passed - but the arms.  It just didn’t work.  So I couldn’t wear it.

Now what would I do?  I don’t have a super huge waredrobe of “dressy” clothes - I figured I’d hold off buying clothes until I got thinner… and well that hasn’t happened - yet.  So I tried on my dress pants that I wore to the Christmas party.

Verge. Of. Tears.

They didn’t fit either.  My thighs looked a bit bumpy and my hips looked dreadful.  I’m not just saying that - the pants were just too small.

So I ended up wearing a dressy t-shirt and jeans.  Yes, I have only one pair of jeans at the moment and it totally sucks.

If there was ever a moment of WTF, it was that moment.  I felt like shit.  I also have to say it was a total motivator for me too.  In my lowest moment - I knew I have to change.  I have to start looking after myself again.  I need to be happy.   I need to feel powerful.  I just need to be me.   So while I’m sitting here - I dont’ feel any of these things… I just want to be able to put on a nice pair of pants and a cute top and feel good about it - to feel good about me.

Right now I feel both motivated to get moving again - and on the other side I just want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I’ve been doing my Wii training pretty much everyday - but there just isn’t the cardio.  Not yet anyway.  So tomorrow I start riding my stationary bike.  If the weather’s nice and I have time, I’ll see about riding my other bike.  Right now I’m feeling like I just have to do it.  So I’m taking this feeling and running with it - in the right direction!

My eating has been a bit hap-hazzard.  I’ve not be writing any of it down, although this morning I stepped on the scale to see 232.0  which made my day.  I’m going to start writing again and stick to my points.  I know I’m eating too much bread and not enough fruit and veggies - which I hope to change when I go get groceries this weekend.

Wow… so much to do!  Fingers crossed!!

Weight: 233 pounds
Goal: 160 pounds

This morning I weighed in, figuring that Monday would be a good day to start things off with a bang… or even a cough and sputter.  I have to say that I was not shocked to see that number, in fact I’m ok with it.  I was 235.6 a week ago - so this can be seen as the start of something good.

I’m tired of being fat.

I’m hoping to clock up the willpower again and do it.  I know I can!

I did find today really hard.  I’m such a carbohydrate woman its unreal.  I also noticed when I ate today that I eat when I’m stressing out a bit at work.  I’m looking to graze.  So I’m working on that - giving myself healthier options when I’m feeling stressed and want to eat.  Eventually I want to cut this out completely… but I’m going to do it slow and easy and then I don’t freak out and binge.

What I ate today:

Breakfast
2 packages oatmeal (one maple/spice and one regular)
1 granola bar - Strawberry w/yogurt
1 cup coffee

Snack
1 Activa yogurt
1 cup fruit (grapes and blueberries)
1 cup tea

Lunch
4 slices whole wheat bread
2 slices cheese
2 tbsp light mayo
2 slices ham
2 Weight Watchers mint chocolates

Snack
3 Weight Watchers chocolates
1 granola bar
1 light hot chocolate

Dinner
2 cups “Shipwreck Dinner” - a la Kraft Canada website
1/2 cup coleslaw salad
1 diet coke
1 popcycle

Exercise
25 minutes Wii
- Exercise program: I’m ranked at 54 (for my exercise age)
- Tennis (Best of 5)
- Bowling
- Baseball (2 games - 3 innings)

Now looking at that you’ll think I’m out of my head for putting the Wii up for my exercise - but I swear their sport disk gets my heart pounding and I’m sweating up a storm.  I’m hoping to get a little saved up so I can get the Wii fit.  I’m not sure when that will happen but this is pretty good so far.  I started the day before yesterday on the fitness training - and I was at 58… so down 4 in a couple of days.

I’m totally out of shape, but I’m working on it slowly.  My legs are not my friends currently.  I get really bad calf pain when I walk and they feel rock hard when I get those damn cramps.  So rather than suffer through that - I think its because I’m so damn fat - I’m going to do my cardio on my elliptical bike.  I’m not ready for the gym.  I can’t afford the gym currently and I’m cheap. :)  So I’m going to make do with what I’ve got.  I’ve even got a couple of hand weights that I can start using and just try doing some situps/pushups - the old fashioned way.

I’m going to do this, and I know I have to start encorporating more exercise into the whole scheme of things if I’m going to succeed.

… and I need to up my water.

… take my vitamins.

I know I can do this!  I am a rockstar.

Today actually went alright. I did a quick little weigh in and I’m already 208.2 - how freakin’ awesome is that! I guess the chips and dip I had the night before didn’t help with the salt = water retention part at all. I am feeling better already.

I do have to say the evening is so hard to deal with. It’s the worst time of the day for me. I get bored and I want to eat. I’ve been doing it now for a while, it’s a habit. A bad habit I have to break. I’m trying not to eat anything past 7:00pm if I can help it. So it was very, very hard! But I did it. Whooot! Give this girl a high five!!!

Today wasn’t much easier in that department. I was HUNGRY. I had a slice of veggie pizza for supper and that was alright. I’m just hoping this evening goes a little better in the hunger department than last night. Hopefully I’ll be able to distract myself

I have managed to get some exercise in yesterday and today - walking. Nothing vigorous. But I’m moving and mobile. It’s been a while and now I’m 19 pounds heavier than my lightest and my legs are feeling. I cannot be a fat woman. My body hates me. I can’t stand the cramps I’m getting in my calves from walking. It’s because I’m carrying so much weight. It sucks, but I’m not going to let it stop me. I have to do SOMETHING.