In case you’ve not noticed I’ve been far from good logging in here and telling you how its going.  Seriously - I don’t think I have the motivation.  It’s not that I don’t want to be skinny, it’s just sitting there on top of me like a big freakin’ weight.  I dream of the day when I don’t have to be constantly thinking about what I’m eating, how many points is that, and will it end up on my hips.

I think about it all the time.

It’s making me so freakin’ tired!

I don’t know why I’m bothering.  Seriously.   In the last little blurb I wrote about how I’d lost only .6 pounds in a MONTH.  How sad is that.  Other people I’m doing this with have lost around 10.  I’m so sad and mad with myself.  I can’t help but lose the motivation (just a tad).  I’m not sure what I was thinking - I was eating too much.  Obviously.  Not exercising… well, actually I’ve been exercising more now that I have in a super long time.  It feels good - and I’m still stuffing my face.

I’m so mad at myself it’s out of this world how shitty I feel right at this moment.

I’ve skipped Weight Watchers 2 weeks in a row now - why?  Because I ate too much and I now weigh even more.  I don’t want to go to those meeting and see people who started around the same time I did this year - kicking major ass and here I am sitting with more pounds than I know what to do with.

Man, I’m just in a very shitty mood.

I know I’ve got to pick myself up and out of this rut I’ve got myself into.  I just think at this moment in time I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m burnt out.  I’ve got nothing to show for the years I’ve put into this program.  I’m now almost just as fat as when I started in January 2006.  I can’t help but feel like I’ve let myself down.  The food has won.  Nothing makes me sadder.

But I’ve still got weekly coupons left.  So I’m going to go back on Tuesday… going to give it yet another freakin’ try.

Sorry I’m in such a shitty mood.  Don’t mean to bring you down at all - it’s just not been going my way lately.

Well, it’s been a while and from the lack of posts you’ve probably come to realize that things haven’t been going as swimmingly as I would have liked. I don’t know what I keep expecting to happen, but in a month I’ve lost a total of .6 pounds. How badly does that suck?! I try my hardest during the week and the weekends become my undoing. I can’t seem to grab hold of enough willpower to just not eat… when I’m bored, when I’m sad, when I’m angry. And this past week I’ve been craving chocolate like a mofo. It’s insane.

I try my best to stay within my points. I’m usually up around 30-32 points a day with my daily at 26. I’m not close and this past weigh in I skipped. You heard me. I skipped like a chicken-shit I am. I knew I’d gone up and I just didn’t want to face the happy people getting their stars, keychains and cudos for doing so well.

I’m happy for them - but at the same time because I’m having a hell of a time, it’s depressing me. I’ve been doing this for 2 years for crying out loud and I’m now back where I was before I got married in 2006.

Hellooooo… motivation…. where are you?