I’m trying to drink my 6 glasses of water a day - hoping that it will help with the hunger issues. I also would like to ban all Halloween candy from work. Damn it. I caved in and took some… 6 of those damn little chocolate bars and scoffed the lot. I would like to say I feel really bad for doing it… but I don’t. At least not at this moment in time. Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll be cursing the chocolate gods… but right now… I’m trying to let it go. Not beat myself up for a weak moment. Only at Day 3 and I’m having problems. Hmmm… I just want to slap myself upside the head for that.

I have to stay focused.

But I’ve ended up focusing on 3 mini pizzas… a wagonwheel and some trail mix (nuts, raisins, and chocolate pieces). All of which has put me WAY over my points.

Again… really trying not to beat myself up over my mess-up.

I will not sabotage myself.

I can’t do that again this week.

I’m running out of extra points!

Ah… no, it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to try to re-coup some of my losses by not eating anything else (after 7:00…) and drink some water. I’m hoping the water will flush some of the crap I just ate out of my system in time for a better weigh in tomorrow.

I’m thinking I’m going up - salt - too much of a good thing.

Crap.

Staying positive that tomorrow will be a good day. Taking it all in stride. Positive thoughts.

*sigh*

Today actually went alright. I did a quick little weigh in and I’m already 208.2 - how freakin’ awesome is that! I guess the chips and dip I had the night before didn’t help with the salt = water retention part at all. I am feeling better already.

I do have to say the evening is so hard to deal with. It’s the worst time of the day for me. I get bored and I want to eat. I’ve been doing it now for a while, it’s a habit. A bad habit I have to break. I’m trying not to eat anything past 7:00pm if I can help it. So it was very, very hard! But I did it. Whooot! Give this girl a high five!!!

Today wasn’t much easier in that department. I was HUNGRY. I had a slice of veggie pizza for supper and that was alright. I’m just hoping this evening goes a little better in the hunger department than last night. Hopefully I’ll be able to distract myself

I have managed to get some exercise in yesterday and today - walking. Nothing vigorous. But I’m moving and mobile. It’s been a while and now I’m 19 pounds heavier than my lightest and my legs are feeling. I cannot be a fat woman. My body hates me. I can’t stand the cramps I’m getting in my calves from walking. It’s because I’m carrying so much weight. It sucks, but I’m not going to let it stop me. I have to do SOMETHING.

… rather than starting over. Because somehow that’s so damn depressing knowing that I’ve tried and failed more times than I could ever shake a stick at. But today is a new day. A new beginning. I have to look at it like that.

I didn’t go to Weight Watchers last night to weigh in. I’m so embarassed. No it’s not the best excuse in the world. But I am. I’ve gone up, up and away with my weight and I’m mad and depressed with it all.

I want to be 190 pounds by December 15th. That’s around the time as my work’s Christmas party and I’m hoping for a nice outfit that won’t be showing off my fat rolls. I also want to wear some nice boots… but right now my legs are like huge sausages… ugly. No way am I going to wedge my fat legs in nice boots. So I’m hoping getting down to 190 will help me get into that dress… feel better… and wear nice boots. I want to look hot. I want to be the envy of the party.

I’m going to have to work very hard at reaching that goal.

I did my at home weigh in today and I’m 209.6. I’ve to lose 19.6 pounds. I think I can manage that. It’s not like it’s an impossible venture into the great unknown. I know I have to work damn hard. I would LOVE to lose more than that by December 15th… but I’m also a realist… and I think this goal is achievable - and that would be an awesome boost to my lack of confidence in the “how do I look” category.

I’m really really wanting this. More now than ever.