… and it isn’t coming off my body.

I’m sort of bummed out.  I really, really shouldn’t be - honest to god I shouldn’t be.  I have to say that what I’m feeling right now has nothing to do with weight loss - but an experiement of sorts in excitement.

The excitement that I would no doubt burn in hell for.

It’ has somewhat backfired.

The rules got changed.

… and I can honestly say since that time - things in my world have ended up passing my lips and ending up on my hips.

That is how I’m coping.

I should totally get over it.  Kick it all completely to the curb.  MOVE THE F*CK ON.  But I’m having an issue.  Why?  Because I totally loved the feeling.  Feeling like I was all there was - and now I’m not even that anymore.

Yes, sad.  Mad.  Used.

So you know what.  I’m picking myself up.  I appologize for being so vague… but I have to be - and I have to get it off my freakin’ chest all at the same time.  But anyway.  I’m so over it.  MOVING ON…. yes.  I have to.  And one way to seek my sweet revenge (of sorts) is to take charge of me.  I am going to lose weight… and feel good about myself again.  Because in the midst of this mess I’ve gained back almost 6 pounds.  So this isn’t doing me any good - mentally or physically.  I’m also making the decision that what is doing my head in… I’m going to take care of it.  I am not going to feel used anymore.  I’m going to feel empowered.

But damn that hurt.

Weight: 193.0 - :: gain ::

I will have to admit that I’ve gone into seculsion.  Not because I’ve been gaining an insane amount of weight.  It’s just that I’ve not really felt like talking about it.  Terrible isn’t it.  I log in everyday to my Traineo account and state my weight for the day and how much exercise I’ve done.  It’s really weird, I just haven’t felt like posting here.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really think I’ve got a lot of terribly interesting news.  I don’t really feel (at the moment) wanting to talk about my problems and emotions and how crappy I feel right at the moment because I just ate a 12″ Quizos Sub and then another 6″ sub and a brownie.  Dammmmn it.  I ate and ate and ate.  I now feel like complete and utter shit.  Too much bread and now I’m totally and completely bloated and feeling like crap.

Last week I gained 1.2 pounds and now this week I’ve gained another .6.   So much for my weight loss roll there.  It lasted about 3 weeks.  Now I’m back to eating like I’m stupid.  Ah, tomorrow is a new week and I’ll kick it’s ass.  But damn, it’s so hard sometimes to break out of those old habits - have a bad weigh in and then go and jam as much food in my face as I possibly can.  I do that - I am fully aware of it, and here I go … again.

So tomorrow, Ladies and Gentlemen.  I start anew.