In case you’ve not noticed I’ve been far from good logging in here and telling you how its going.  Seriously - I don’t think I have the motivation.  It’s not that I don’t want to be skinny, it’s just sitting there on top of me like a big freakin’ weight.  I dream of the day when I don’t have to be constantly thinking about what I’m eating, how many points is that, and will it end up on my hips.

I think about it all the time.

It’s making me so freakin’ tired!

I don’t know why I’m bothering.  Seriously.   In the last little blurb I wrote about how I’d lost only .6 pounds in a MONTH.  How sad is that.  Other people I’m doing this with have lost around 10.  I’m so sad and mad with myself.  I can’t help but lose the motivation (just a tad).  I’m not sure what I was thinking - I was eating too much.  Obviously.  Not exercising… well, actually I’ve been exercising more now that I have in a super long time.  It feels good - and I’m still stuffing my face.

I’m so mad at myself it’s out of this world how shitty I feel right at this moment.

I’ve skipped Weight Watchers 2 weeks in a row now - why?  Because I ate too much and I now weigh even more.  I don’t want to go to those meeting and see people who started around the same time I did this year - kicking major ass and here I am sitting with more pounds than I know what to do with.

Man, I’m just in a very shitty mood.

I know I’ve got to pick myself up and out of this rut I’ve got myself into.  I just think at this moment in time I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m burnt out.  I’ve got nothing to show for the years I’ve put into this program.  I’m now almost just as fat as when I started in January 2006.  I can’t help but feel like I’ve let myself down.  The food has won.  Nothing makes me sadder.

But I’ve still got weekly coupons left.  So I’m going to go back on Tuesday… going to give it yet another freakin’ try.

Sorry I’m in such a shitty mood.  Don’t mean to bring you down at all - it’s just not been going my way lately.

Well, it’s been a while and from the lack of posts you’ve probably come to realize that things haven’t been going as swimmingly as I would have liked. I don’t know what I keep expecting to happen, but in a month I’ve lost a total of .6 pounds. How badly does that suck?! I try my hardest during the week and the weekends become my undoing. I can’t seem to grab hold of enough willpower to just not eat… when I’m bored, when I’m sad, when I’m angry. And this past week I’ve been craving chocolate like a mofo. It’s insane.

I try my best to stay within my points. I’m usually up around 30-32 points a day with my daily at 26. I’m not close and this past weigh in I skipped. You heard me. I skipped like a chicken-shit I am. I knew I’d gone up and I just didn’t want to face the happy people getting their stars, keychains and cudos for doing so well.

I’m happy for them - but at the same time because I’m having a hell of a time, it’s depressing me. I’ve been doing this for 2 years for crying out loud and I’m now back where I was before I got married in 2006.

Hellooooo… motivation…. where are you?

Yup. I’m back. I am back at Weight Watchers and today was my first “Official” day back on the plan. I went to weigh in last night and rocked in at 212.8 pounds. Yes, I’m up and I’m not surprised at all. I’ve been handling things since I last wrote here badly. I was hit and miss with the Weight Watchers and the meetings. I wanted to lose - I hadn’t the willpower. I’d lost the va-va-voom. I felt like shit. I felt like I looked like shit. It’s probably the lowest I’ve felt emotionally in a very long time.

I think the biggie for me was when I went to my closet.

Then proceeded to pack away 2/3rds of it. That totally sucked. It was also I guess that time when I felt the most motivated to turn things around. If you’ve been following along - or not - I’ve been doing this for over 2 years now. When I first started I was kicking my weight in the ass. I got down to 193 for my wedding and I thought that there was no turning back.

With the wedding over - so went my enthusiasm to keep cutting back. Honestly I cheated every now and then and the weight didn’t go back on. I thought I could get away with more and more - and really I was just kidding myself hardcore. So now here I am. Back writing. Back on track. More determined this time. No more “Day One”… “Day Two”… not any of that.

When I was at the meeting last night it was the first of the New Year. My friend (who has been there as long as I have) went back right to the basics - as if she’d never been before. Right back at square one. For her it was coping with it all I suppose. A fresh start is what she needed.

I thought that was brilliant. Why dwell on the past - there is nothing I can do about it. I wanted a fresh start too. So, back to the drawing board - I went back and asked to start over as well. I was persuaded not too (too much paperwork basically) - but I did get my new 10% goal. That’s what I needed. I needed a direction. I needed to feel like this was going to be a journey that would be successful. Basically I needed a goal.

There it was in all it’s ball-point beauty: 191.8

21 Pounds.

So I have my goal. Would that be called a mid-range goal. Yes. I’m taking it all in stride. Here’s where I want to go:

• February 14th: I want to be 199 pounds - I would so love to be under 200 pounds!
• April 29th:  180 pound - it’s a Special day… and I’d love to be “skinny”.
• June 30th: At my goal weight of 163 pounds.

So the biggie is to lose 49.8 pounds.  Lets go with 50 pounds to make me totally happy!  I think 6 months is very realistic and I’m hoping to roll with about 10 pounds loss a month.  This also means I’ve got to step up and do it.

I’m so tired of feeling and looking the way I do - I’m going to do it.  For once in my lifetime I am going to get to my goal weight.  I’m going to get down and look hot and feel great that I will take the big step and go to the beach this summer in my SHORTS!  LOL.  That will be a major breakthrough